So I debated whether or not I wanted to share this story of what I went through yesterday, then last night I was reminded by a dear friend of mine, Carl Gillard, by an instagram picture he posted. (see below)
“Somebody’s healing is connected to your transparency.”
We all go through things in life. Things that sometimes knock the wind out of us. Some things so devastating and humiliating that we don’t like to share. We sometimes tend to be ashamed of our struggles, for fear of judgment, especially in a generation where social media and “highlight reels” lead us to think that everyone’s life is perfect, except our own.
Well, if I can be honest and transparent with you all, life isn’t always sunny days and rainbows for me either. I have bad days too. I fight personal battles just like anyone else. I’m no longer ashamed or embarrassed to say that, there have been times where I just didn’t wanna get out of the bed. Yesterday, was one of those days.
I’ve dealt with depression in the past. Depression, for those who haven’t experienced it, can be debilitating, if you don’t address what’s wrong, head on. Well yesterday, I woke up with an extreme heaviness. I woke up feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. I had strong feelings of lack, self-pity, and doubt hit me all at once. No warning and no reason why, just because. It was terrible. As I laid in my bed and cried tears with no real reason why, I tried to shake it off and tell myself that those feelings weren’t real. But… it didn’t work. Actually, the feelings and emotions only intensified as time progressed.
I had an audition that I had to be at later on in the afternoon. As I looked at my sides for the audition, I couldn’t even muster up the energy to prepare for it. I’m usually ecstatic about any audition opportunities I have. But unfortunately in this particular moment, all I could think about was laying in bed, and going back to sleep, hoping that when I woke up, things would be better.
A week ago, I was speaking with my cousin about his depression. And I remember distinctly telling him that he can’t give into those feelings, and that it’s important to take authority over his emotions and to declare victory over the way he feels. WE ALL have dominion and power over our feelings and emotions, not vice versa. As I laid there reminding myself of that conversation, I thought to myself, “I have to practice what I preach.”
So after much prayer, of course some resistance, and hearing the Lord tell me to GET UP out of my bed, take a shower, and GO to that audition, I did exactly that. I hadn’t even prepared like I usually do for my auditions, but I knew I had to go. I couldn’t give in to the depression. So I PUSHED myself.
Well, I’m glad I went because it ended up being one of my best auditions to date. Despite my feelings, I went in that room and trusted that God would give me what I needed in those moments and I nailed it. Not only did I nail it, but the Producer called me before the night was over and offered me the role. A Recurring role for a new series that will be airing on Amazon Prime. Wow. Playing a role that is PERFECT for me.
Moral of the story, the enemy only attacks when he’s threatened. Had I given into the depression, and stayed in bed all day, missing my audition, I would have missed an opportunity to grow and excel in my career. An opportunity that will surely only lead to more amazing opportunities. I WON. I realize now that You can’t win the war without fighting the battle first. I fought, pushed through what I felt, believed and trusted in something greater and more powerful than myself, and I WON.
Whatever it is that you may be fighting or battling right now, you’re not alone. And I want to encourage you to PUSH through whatever it is, and trust God to be your vindicator. See, I didn’t even prepare for this audition, but because I got up and was WILLING to fight, God fought the battle for me, and in the end I got the role.
I pray you all muster up the courage to fight, even when you don’t know how. The battle is already won.
“Thus saith the LORD unto you, Be not afraid nor dismayed by reason of this great multitude; for the battle is not yours, but God’s.” 2 Chronicles 20:15
Be blessed, I’m praying for you!